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There’s a rule in photography: When you’re taking photos of people, always focus on their eyes.

If you’re a writer whose work depends on clearly and accurately understanding the people you write about, you should adopt a similar rule: Always focus on the eyes.

I’ve written previous articles about the need for writers to pay attention in order to better understand people and the world around them. Part of that involves intently and perceptively listening to people when they are talking. Another important aspect of paying attention is to look directly into their eyes.

You can learn much from direct eye contact. A link is created when two people look directly into each other’s eyes. Call it a spiritual connection, a psychic link or an exchange of energy. Whatever you call it, it’s real – and it can tell you as much or more than the words you hear.

I practiced kundalini yoga for several years. Periodically we would pair off with the person next to us and do an exercise: We’d sit facing each other cross-legged, knees touching or almost touching, and simply stare directly and without interruption into the other person’s eyes. This would last anywhere from 10 minutes to 30 minutes.

If you think that’s easy, you’re wrong. At first I felt extremely uncomfortable and exposed, like walking around in a crowd naked. Then it seemed absurd and I wanted to laugh. But all that passed and after a while something amazing began to happen. The eyes of the person I was facing became portals to extraordinary visions.

Invariably, the image of my partner in the exercise would begin to transform. The young woman I was facing would morph into an ancient hag. Skin and bones. Skeletal. Then she would become a young child. Then she would change back to herself again but her image would reveal fear, which would transform to joy, which would convert to pain and then ecstasy. Yet all the while her eyes did not change, and I’m sure her face would not have appeared to change to a casual bystander.

If you think I’m crazy, of course I am – I’m a writer. But I’m not crazy because of what I saw when I stared into strangers’ eye during those exercises. Many other sane, non-writers in the group had similar experiences.

They say eyes are windows to the soul. They are. We miss wonderful opportunities to glimpse into the souls of the people with whom we interact by not looking directly and steadily into their eyes.

Here’s a potentially life-changing exercise:

In the coming days, pay attention to where you direct your eyes when you are face-to-face with other individuals. Also, note where those people direct their eyes when you are interacting. If you’re like most people, you may be surprised to discover how very little time you and that other person actual spend in eye-to-eye contact. It’s almost comical – two people standing talking to one another and looking everywhere but into the other’s eyes.

Once you become aware of the “eye issue,” make a determined effort to change it. At first you will have to force yourself to focus your gaze on the other person’s eyes and not let your eyes drift away. But soon it will become a habit.

The payoff? First, you will find that you’ll get much more out of your face-to-face interactions with others. You will feel that you know them more intimately. You will have a better understanding of what they are trying to communicate. All this has its personal benefits, of course, in terms of increased intimacy with others, but it will also help your writing immensely.

Know this: Some people will feel uncomfortable when you lock in on their eyes. They will avoid your gaze. They may even try to cut your interactions short and avoid talking with you in person in the future.

This tells you something. Perhaps they are extremely shy, or have a serious inferiority complex, or are self-conscious about how they look. But maybe they’re trying to hide something from you, or not being honest with you in some way. It is almost impossible for normal people to be open, honest and sincere with each other when they are steadily holding each other’s gaze. Sociopaths and pathological liars are good at it, however. So beware.

Pay attention. Look ’em in the eyes!

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