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A few nights ago I went to a wedding dinner for my wife’s niece. The groom’s sister, a very nice, attractive young woman who had heard that I am a professional writer introduced herself to me, announcing that she, too, loves to write.

I hear this frequently. But as we talked I realized that for her this was more than just an armchair infatuation. She felt a gut- and soul-level need to write. She had always been that way, she explained, even as a child.

She told me she has two books going – one fiction, one non-fiction – both unfinished. She explained that she is single, works two jobs, and holds a position in her church that absorbs most of any spare time she has.

We spoke for a long time and the more we spoke, the more I realized how serious she is about writing. For her, I realized, writing is not an optional pastime. It is part of her core and she needs to do it or live an incomplete life and be an incomplete person. (This is something I’ve known about myself for years.) So we talked about how she could find the time and energy to write and I told her how important it was for her to do it and that she had to bend her world around her writing and make it happen or it never would. I pulled my little Moleskine notebook out of my pocket and told her it goes with me just about everywhere but the shower and that I frequently take it out and spend a minute or an hour with it.

She said she often feels guilty when she takes time to write because there is so much to do and so many responsibilities to fulfill. She told me she has been accused of being selfish for writing when she could be doing other “more important” things.

All that hit too close to home. I told her what has taken me years to figure out: some people are meant to write. It is their calling in life (at least one of their callings) and they turn their back on it at their own risk. In the apocryphal Gospel of Thomas, there is a verse that states, “Jesus said, ‘If you bring forth what is within you, what you have will save you.’”

I like to think this statement has special application for writers or any creative people who have something “within” them that needs to burst out. By facilitating the birthing process of writing, we quite literally save ourselves. Writers feel good when we have written and written well because we have done something that we are meant to do. By doing so, we free ourselves to give more of ourselves to those around us and to the other responsibilities in our lives.

When we repress and stifle the creative need within us, we suffer not only artistically but emotionally, spiritually and even physically. We close up and what we give to others and to other aspects of our lives is only a shadow of what it could and should be.

Can writing be one of your missions in life? It certainly can be, but only you can know whether or not it is. If it is, are you being selfish by taking the time and giving the energy to write? Absolutely not! For some people, “bringing forth what is within you” is the best way you can serve the world and those around you … and the only way to save yourself.

PS. This is the 100th article I have written for TheWritersBag.com. I look forward to writing the next 100 and hope they will be valuable to you. I invite you to stay tuned by signing up for free, weekly e-mail updates at the top left of this page.

There’s a rule in photography: When you’re taking photos of people, always focus on their eyes.

If you’re a writer whose work depends on clearly and accurately understanding the people you write about, you should adopt a similar rule: Always focus on the eyes.

I’ve written previous articles about the need for writers to pay attention in order to better understand people and the world around them. Part of that involves intently and perceptively listening to people when they are talking. Another important aspect of paying attention is to look directly into their eyes.

You can learn much from direct eye contact. A link is created when two people look directly into each other’s eyes. Call it a spiritual connection, a psychic link or an exchange of energy. Whatever you call it, it’s real – and it can tell you as much or more than the words you hear.

I practiced kundalini yoga for several years. Periodically we would pair off with the person next to us and do an exercise: We’d sit facing each other cross-legged, knees touching or almost touching, and simply stare directly and without interruption into the other person’s eyes. This would last anywhere from 10 minutes to 30 minutes.

If you think that’s easy, you’re wrong. At first I felt extremely uncomfortable and exposed, like walking around in a crowd naked. Then it seemed absurd and I wanted to laugh. But all that passed and after a while something amazing began to happen. The eyes of the person I was facing became portals to extraordinary visions.

Invariably, the image of my partner in the exercise would begin to transform. The young woman I was facing would morph into an ancient hag. Skin and bones. Skeletal. Then she would become a young child. Then she would change back to herself again but her image would reveal fear, which would transform to joy, which would convert to pain and then ecstasy. Yet all the while her eyes did not change, and I’m sure her face would not have appeared to change to a casual bystander.

If you think I’m crazy, of course I am – I’m a writer. But I’m not crazy because of what I saw when I stared into strangers’ eye during those exercises. Many other sane, non-writers in the group had similar experiences.

They say eyes are windows to the soul. They are. We miss wonderful opportunities to glimpse into the souls of the people with whom we interact by not looking directly and steadily into their eyes.

Here’s a potentially life-changing exercise:

In the coming days, pay attention to where you direct your eyes when you are face-to-face with other individuals. Also, note where those people direct their eyes when you are interacting. If you’re like most people, you may be surprised to discover how very little time you and that other person actual spend in eye-to-eye contact. It’s almost comical – two people standing talking to one another and looking everywhere but into the other’s eyes.

Once you become aware of the “eye issue,” make a determined effort to change it. At first you will have to force yourself to focus your gaze on the other person’s eyes and not let your eyes drift away. But soon it will become a habit.

The payoff? First, you will find that you’ll get much more out of your face-to-face interactions with others. You will feel that you know them more intimately. You will have a better understanding of what they are trying to communicate. All this has its personal benefits, of course, in terms of increased intimacy with others, but it will also help your writing immensely.

Know this: Some people will feel uncomfortable when you lock in on their eyes. They will avoid your gaze. They may even try to cut your interactions short and avoid talking with you in person in the future.

This tells you something. Perhaps they are extremely shy, or have a serious inferiority complex, or are self-conscious about how they look. But maybe they’re trying to hide something from you, or not being honest with you in some way. It is almost impossible for normal people to be open, honest and sincere with each other when they are steadily holding each other’s gaze. Sociopaths and pathological liars are good at it, however. So beware.

Pay attention. Look ’em in the eyes!

Bob owns a large home with a huge yard that requires his constant attention, a car, a Jeep, a ski boat, a motorcycle and a snowmobile. He is involved in social groups and is a leader in more than one community service group. He golfs, plays tennis, is on a bicycle racing team and loves to fish. He is into the latest technology and has three televisions of different sizes, an LCD projector, two DVD players, a large sound system, a desktop computer, a laptop computer, an iPod, an iPhone, an expensive digital SLR camera with an assortment of lenses, and more. He spends hours every week staying abreast of the latest trends and products and learning how to make the “stuff” he owns work properly … or getting it fixed when it breaks.

Bob wants to write, but doesn’t have the time or energy. Fancy that.

Phil lives in a modest but nice condo, minimally furnished, with no yard. He has one car. Socially, he goes out with friends when he has the urge to. The only group he is involved in is a monthly writers’ group. He loves to walk and hike. He has two pieces of technology: an iPhone and a laptop computer. He knows both inside and out, and uses them not only for normal computing tasks, but also as his television, newspaper, DVD player and sound system.

Phil has plenty of time and energy to write. Fancy that.

It seems that everyone is too busy these days. They complain about it, but in reality, most people don’t have to be as busy as they are. They don’t have to acquire and manage all the material things they can get their hands on. They don’t have to say yes to every invitation to join a group or become involved in a committee.

We all have basic necessities and responsibilities, of course. But beyond those, the things we choose to own and the activities we opt to participate in should enrich our lives – not bog them down.

Make regular assessments of your life. You will likely find that you have and do things that you neither have to do nor want to do … nor are they doing anyone any particular good. So why are you doing them? Get rid of them!

Granted, when a spouse and children are involved, life becomes more complicated. But even then, challenge every new or extra thing that tries to creep into your life. Who says every child should be signed up for three little league teams, two play groups, piano lessons and a performing group?

Granted, you will find many material things and activities to be enjoyable, instructive, fulfilling and exciting. But are they worth the novel you never wrote?

Yes, we all have responsibilities to fulfill and obligations to meet. But most of us are wallowing in the muck of all those unwanted and unneeded extras that ooze into our routines. We become addicted to the noise and motion of life. We say yes when we should say no.

If you want to write, you must throw time and energy at it. And you will have to fight the whole world to find them because that world wants a bigger piece of you than you can afford to give it. The secret is to reduce rather than add to. Less is more. You can only drag yourself out of bed so early or stay up so late every day to carve out extra time for writing before you burn out and/or ruin your health.

You only have so much time and energy to give, so choose carefully what you give it to.

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