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Not long ago I received a form letter from an investment firm we deal with. This is one of the top such firms in the world. In the letter was the following paragraph. When I read it, my image of the company immediately plummeted.

Can you tell me why?

I understand that upon my death my interest in the [name deleted] Individual Retirement Plan (the “IRA”) described above shall become the property of the primary beneficiary, if her or she survives me, and if no primary beneficiary survives me, than of the contingent beneficiary, and if no contingent beneficiary survives me, or the Custodian cannot locate the beneficiary, then the Custodian shall distribute the amount payable to my spouse, if he or she survives me, and, if not, to my children in equal shares, and if no children survive me, to my estate.

Did you spot the mistakes? There are two hard-core errors:

1. “… if her or she survives me, …” should be “… if he or she survives me, …”
2. “… than of the contingent beneficiary, …” should be “… then of the contingent beneficiary, ….”

Two major mistakes in just one paragraph! Plus, the paragraph is a single, 93-word, run-on sentence that is improperly punctuated and basically unintelligible.

Had this paragraph been in a quick e-mail from an account manager to us, that would be bad enough. But no – it was part of a standard form letter that is probably sent to tens of thousands of customers all over the world month after month after month.

Didn’t they care enough to have someone take a minute to give it a quick proofing? If they are that careless with their written communications, how careful can they be with our little nest egg? They came close to losing our account that day.

Don’t make the same mistake. Don’t let carelessness with your written communications damage your image. When image is important, write carefully and proofread what you write!

PS. Avoid embarrassment. Protect your image. Steve Osborne’s real-world writing e-books are now available for immediate download. Only $7. Click here.

Most of us were taught to use complete sentences – those that are fully equipped with at least one subject and its accompanying verb – and to avoid incomplete sentence (a.k.a. “sentence fragments”) like the plague. But in the real world, sentence fragments are strategically used by even the best writers.

Can you can spot the sentence fragments in the following three book excerpts?

• It was propped against the collar box and I lay listening to it. Hearing it, that is. I don’t suppose anybody ever deliberately listens to a watch or a clock. (William Faulkner, The Sound and the Fury)
• Rikki-tikki put his paws one on each side of the egg, and his eyes were blood-red. “What price for a snake’s eggs? For a young cobra? For a young king-cobra? For the last – the very last of the brood? The ants are eating all the others down by the melon-bed.” (Rudyard Kipling, The Jungle Book)
• Out in the dark yard, working in the lantern light, Pa and Al loaded the truck. Tools on the bottom, but handy to reach in case of a breakdown. Boxes of clothes next, and kitchen utensils in a gunnysack; cutlery and dishes in their box. Then the gallon bucket tied on behind. They made the bottom of the load as even as possible, and filled the spaces between boxes with rolled blankets. (John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath)

Did you find the incomplete sentences? In each of the three excerpts, only the first and last sentences are complete sentences. All those in between are sentence fragments. Do they work? Absolutely. These were master writers. Master writers know the rules. And when to break them.

Special Note: Send Me Your Problems!

Some of you have asked if I could help you with specific writing issues. My answer is yes. Send me a comment with a piece of text you have written (nothing too long, please) and tell me what has you stumped or doesn’t seem right. I’ll do my best to get to the bottom of it and we’ll invite others to comment with their ideas or suggestions. Let’s make this a valuable, interactive learning experience. To contact me, click here.

What’s wrong with the following sentence?

The new product will help parents to monitor their children on the playground.

Actually, nothing is terribly wrong with it. But it contains an annoying flaw. Did you catch it? If you didn’t, read the next sentence and pay attention to what has changed.

The new product will help parents monitor their children on the playground.

Sounds better, right? Why? Because the “to” before “monitor” is gone. It wasn’t necessary. It slowed the sentence down and made it sound stilted.

Don’t get me wrong. “To” is a wonderful little preposition we couldn’t communicate without. But it is sometimes used where it isn’t needed. Remember, keeping your writing concise is crucial. Even one diminutive “to” too many can bog things down.